reflection

Moments alone in my bedroom reflecting life, my life. It's in these moments alone I am more aware of my surroundings, my heart, my dreams, my weaknesses. Ever since I can remember I have been chasing after satisfaction in fear that if I do not grasp it and take control I may be rejected and dismissed as unlovely and unmysterious. Yet the more I chase the more unlovely and unmysterious I become anyway. I desire love and acceptance but accepting it is unnattainable. People flirt with the surface of my being but no one dares to come close. Is it because I have walls that say back off or is it because they themselves have walls? Possibly both.

I am humbled once again at the foot of the cross because I know I cannot do this any longer, I cannot chase after the wind and succeed on my own account. I must chase HIS heart, then eventually mine can be healed.